By Kathy Walker in My Child Magazine.

What's the consequence?

Forget spanking and time-out. According to parenting and educational consultant Kathy Walker, using consequences, not punishment, is a much more effective way to discipline children.

Although all children need a form of discipline at some time, spanking or "time out" can be detrimental and isn't always effective. The fact is, there are many other ways to deal with misbehaviour that are kinder, easier and more effective.

Consequences guide and redirect children away from inappropriate behaviours towards more responsible ones, but they are not the same as punishment. They work best with children aged three and older.

Consequences must:

• provide a logical or natural result of an action or behaviour so the child learns that actions cause things to happen
• provide clear choices for the child and be realistic, achievable and immediate (the younger the child, the more immediate they need to be)
• be implemented; parents can never change their minds
• be set and implemented calmly without any outbursts from parents.

WHY DO CONSEQUENCES WORK?

Consequences give children the opportunity to practise making responsible decisions rather than copping a one-off punishment dished out in anger.
They are said to lead to less resentment than punishment as the child can easily see the result of their action and also has the opportunity to make a better decision or choice next time.

In addition, consequences are easier to implement, and more effective, when parents have put some thought into them (some will work better than others), and even have a list of which ones to implement in specific situations.

LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

A logical consequence is set as a direct result of an action that was inappropriate.

For example: Six-year-old Sally was told to turn off the TV and come out of the playroom when the show she was watching had finished. She was given a reminder and set a consequence: 'Sally, remember: when the show is finished, you need to turn off the TV. If you choose not to turn it off, and I have to come in and do it, we won't have that show on tomorrow.'

• Firstly, Sally is six years old so we can assume that she has a level of understanding about the show finishing and turning the TV off.
• Secondly, she is given a reminder, which is fair enough for a six-year-old and acts as an additional prompt.
• Next, Sally is given a choice: turn it off or let her mother turn it off. She also knows what will happen if her mother turns it off. There is no need for threatening tones, anger or angst from the parent. The choice and consequence are stated fairly and calmly.

• Sally's mother returns to the room, turns the TV off calmly and says, 'I can see you chose not to turn the TV off and I had to. Tomorrow we won't have the TV on.'

In most cases, Sally will hardly notice her mother's response, or if she does she will pretend she doesn't care. She may even forget about what happened and go to watch the TV the next day, or hope that her mother has forgotten. In that case, her mother's response needs to be,

• 'I know you want to watch your show again today but remember yesterday you chose not to turn it off when it was finished and I had to? That means we are not watching it today. Tomorrow we can watch it and you will be able to choose to turn the TV off.'
• There is no need for 'I told you so' or 'Well, if you had listened in the first place.' This shames your child, which is unnecessary.

As the parent, you don't have to apologise for being fair, or feel that you have to make it up to the child. You state the consequence as a matter of fact and move on. Your child may have a tantrum, may plead and beg, but you will remain consistent and not enter into any of the arguments or excuses.

The key is not to change your mind or give them another chance on the day. They will have another chance the next day/time. Nothing undermines a consequence more swiftly and totally than a parent changing their mind or one parent in a parenting couple giving in.

Consequences should ideally be used to prevent an inappropriate action or behaviour from occurring but can also be implemented after an event has occurred. Be careful that they are not used as a punishment, but are calmly discussed as the result of the child's behaviour.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

Natural consequences are those that happen without any influence or input from us - they are simple cause and effect. For example: Harry, aged seven, is climbing on the back of a chair. You direct him to stop climbing on the chair as it is unsafe. He continues to climb on the chair, falls off, bangs his knee and cries. This is a natural consequence.

Try to allow some of these natural consequences so that your child really recognises that they can make choices that end in positive or negative experiences for themselves. Sometimes we try to wrap our children in cotton wool, which means they miss out on valuable learning experiences. Obviously you can only choose a natural consequence if it exposes them to a relatively safe situation that will perhaps lead to a minor discomfort - not real harm. Running onto the road would never be allowed as a natural consequence for obvious reasons.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Consequences therefore are a relief for parents. You do not have to lecture, admonish, yell, scream, shame, humiliate or punish. You can simply set a consequence that the child will relate to and will understand is a direct result of his or her action.

When they are implemented consistently and carefully by parents over a period of time, consequences are one of the most effective and lasting strategies for guiding behaviour. Consequences may not work the very first time you use them, but they are, over time, incredibly effective. Consequences can also have a positive outcome. For example, a consequence of children getting dressed and getting ready for school on time might be that there is time for a play in the park or for everyone to ride or walk to school together.

Consequences may sound like bribes or threats at times. However, because they are always set up to relate naturally or logically to a behaviour, and children are given the opportunity to make responsible choices, they work in a completely different way.

The best thing about consequences is that children learn to make their own decisions rather than simply obey an authority figure to avoid punishment.

This article is brought to you by My Child Magazine.
Words Kathy Walker. This is an edited extract from Parenting by Kathy Walker (Penguin Viking, $32.95)

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