Good manners affect how children perform in the playground, in the classroom and, later, in the workplace, but teaching them can be challenging. If you're in need of help, read on.

The long-term consequence of a rude child is a rude adult.

We come across them all the time - the driver who cuts you off, the co-worker who repetitiously flaps his opinionated verbal wings and the mother who has no qualms about pushing your child aside so hers can get the discounted Teletubbie that she, apparently, saw first. It is most disconcerting to encounter a well- educated grown-up who only sees the world in terms of his own wants, needs and emotions. The first thing that crosses your mind is that this person has no social graces - obviously no-one took the time to teach him good manners when he was young. That's what I think anyway.

THE YOUNGER, THE BETTER

Teaching manners to children from an early age is paramount.

With the nine-year-old boy at the swimming pool who is screaming at his mother because she won't do what he wants, it's probably too late. Words like 'please' and 'thank you' are the most obvious signs of good manners and can be instilled in littlies from as young as 18 months. So instead of always accepting a pointed digit and grunt when your child wants a banana, ask, 'Would you like the banana? Say, banana please,' and repeat 'thank you' as you hand it to her. Even if she cannot yet say 'please' or 'thank you', by consistently repeating these words with her she will begin to understand that her desires go hand in hand with these words. By the time she's three, 'banana, please' will be part of her natural vocabulary and she won't always need prompting.

Positive reinforcement works when teaching children the importance of saying 'please', 'thank you', 'excuse me' and the biggie, 'sorry'. Your response is important and good behaviour should always be praised, but it should not always be about pleasing you.

Teach your child that by adding 'please' and 'thank you' at the end of a sentence, he is more likely to get a positive reaction from other adults as well. Granny is much more likely to give him what he wants if he says 'please', as opposed to bellowing out his need for a drink of water in the middle of his sister's piano recital. Similarly, by saying 'excuse me', other people are only too willing to make room for him to pass or stop their conversation to acknowledge his request. 'Sorry' can be most prevailing because when a child sees that saying 'sorry' actually helps to fix a wrongdoing, they begin to realise that manners can be pretty cool.

When children understand the benefits of having manners, they are more likely to incorporate these skills into everyday life. At the same time children must be made aware that just saying these words does not guarantee that their desires will be met. Just because a child says 'please' doesn't mean he can have that new scooter. In the same way, it doesn't work if he continues to exhibit the same naughty behaviour.

David, whose son Benjamin is four, says, 'If I can make Benjamin say sorry like, "I promise I won't draw on the lounge again," it has more impact. It's now his word that he won't do it again.' Consequently, it is important to teach children that their word and making promises are serious matters too.

FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS

Being able to follow simple instructions is a necessary prerequisite if you want to cultivate a respectful and thoughtful little being. When giving your child direction, it is vital that you have her undivided attention. First, stop what you are doing and go to her. There is nothing worse than a mother barking out orders from down the hall to a child with selective hearing. Squat to her eye level and engage her in eye-to-eye contact by saying her name and opening with something like, 'Can I have your eyes and ears please?' Make sure the eye contact is encouraging and friendly, not intense, so that she perceives it as connecting rather than controlling.

It takes time and patience, but the goal is to have a child who listens the first time.

• So, be clear and direct: say, 'Lucy, please go to your room,' as opposed to using passive language like, 'Lucy, would you like to go to your room?' This suggests a choice when there is none.
• Give one instruction at a time with about five seconds to obey and do not give the same instruction again.
• Be sure to always praise and thank her immediately when she completes a task.
• See "Be the parent" (below) for what to do if she ignores your instruction.

Teaching young children to follow simple instructions is challenging and takes a lot of repetition on your part. Unless you are prepared to use time-out when your child ignores you, it is probably best to avoid giving her the instruction in the first place. Time-out teaches a child that you are serious when you request something. After time-out, require her to complete the task again; this will give her the opportunity to redeem herself, and don't forget that plenty of hugs and kisses also encourages good behaviour. Also, whenever possible, plan ahead if you know you are going to do something like go to the post office and stand in a queue. Give her some simple rules to prepare her for a boring wait and an incentive if she behaves well.

TEACHING RESPECT

Young children need to know that addressing people in the right manner shows them respect. Kids want to be liked by people they meet and they should be taught to always address people by an appropriate name or title. Furthermore, shaking someone's hand when offered and making eye contact are all signs of respect that should be encouraged. The little boy who says, 'Hello, Mrs Jones, how are you?' or 'Thank you, Dr Smith' is already displaying hallmarks of a respectful and well-mannered child. These social skills are important because they put us at ease with people we know and establish a protocol that makes us feel comfortable around strangers.

SHARING IS CARING

'Mine!' It's a word often protested by many a two- or three-year-old when another's sticky little paws try to claim Laa-Laa or Dipsy. Toddlers, while completely adorable, are naturally selfish and are hardly likely to share their favourite big-red-engine-train-with-bells-and-whistles. and, well, would you? Kids get very involved with playing with their toys and become embedded with the idea of "ownership" of a favourite. So, you can imagine, it's hard to give up. However, it is during these toddler years that you should begin to stress the importance of sharing.

One of the best ways to do this is by example. Kids learn by imitating so if you are eating something nice, say, 'Would you like to share the muffin with me?' or 'Would you like to help me tidy up?' Use the word 'share' at every opportunity to describe your behaviour. Sharing is also about teaching him how to wait his turn and play fairly. Once again, it is about getting down to his eye level, using kid-friendly terms to explain why he must not snatch another child's toy and avoiding lengthy, abstract explanations.

Whenever your little one attempts to share or help, remember to praise his efforts. Positive reinforcement will encourage him to repeat this behaviour, and with a bit of luck, by the time he is three these acts should be at least understood, if not always employed.

BE THE PARENT

If children are not displaying good behaviour it is not unreasonable to assume that parents are not teaching and/or modelling good manners. Some parents today are so preoccupied with being their child's friend that they forget to do their job and be a parent. So set limits and don't give in. Kids must learn that 'no' means 'no'. Most importantly, follow through on your actions: threatening and cajoling will get you nowhere, and consequences are only effective when they're immediate. Telling a three- year-old he will not be allowed go to Jack's house tomorrow if he doesn't get dressed means nothing to him: who cares about tomorrow? However, turning Bob the Builder off and banning TV for the rest of the day will be more effective.

CONSISTENCY IS EVERYTHING

Subsequently, it is important to be consistent; children regress because of lack of consistency. Explain to your child the reasons why we have good manners, such as not eating with your mouth open and covering your nose when you sneeze.

Practise the 'we' principle: 'This is how we speak to others, this is how we act.' Children who behave badly usually do so because they have gotten away with it.

Someone has to call the shots and it should not be the child. Spending time with other well-mannered kids will reinforce good behaviour. Foster friendships with kids who behave, speak and act in a manner you would like your child to learn. Children will begin to perceive this as just normal behaviour. If any of his playmates are particularly "delinquent" (and you will know in your gut when this is the case) it is probably best to cut down the time spent with that kid.

Use your discretion, after all, preschoolers do tend to be noisy, messy, clumsy creatures and when a bunch of them get together there is bound to be conflict of some sort. It is not about judging other children's behaviour, however you are responsible for your own child and you must do what you feel is best for him.

PRACTISE WHAT YOU PREACH

It may be obvious but practising what you preach and being a good role model is one of the most effective ways to inspire good behaviour. When your daughter insists she does not like her preschool teacher and says she is mean, explain to her that while feelings are private, behaviour is public, and while she does not have to like Miss Slevin she must always be polite towards her.

Children mimic behaviour they see so try not to "bitch" about people in front of them and endeavour to find something positive to say about even the most difficult acquaintances. In the long run your child will learn to be fair-minded and diplomatic, especially when dealing with the jerks she will no doubt come across throughout her life.

Teaching good manners is a child's basic need and can have a huge impact on their lives. The concept may seem outdated and stringent rules may not always fit today's egalitarian approach to parenting, however good manners recast as social skills is still a hot topic that affects how kids perform in the playground, in the classroom and, later, in the workplace.

A well-mannered child becomes a well-mannered adult. and do you really want your child to miss out on play dates because he's considered too bad mannered and "difficult"?

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